The Friend Zone

Today I want to talk to you all about an infamous vast space known as “The friend zone”.  It’s a popular topic. We’re all familiar with the term right? But let me drop an honesty bomb on some of you who may be living in a fantasy world. The Friend zone does not exist! It doesn’t. It’s not an inescapable territory you’ve wondered into with some guy or girl you know.  Brace yourself for the brutal truth: The friend zone is merely a scapegoat. It’s an excuse for that person to say “We’re just such good friends; I wouldn’t want to risk messing that up for a relationship that might not work out.” That is a lot easier and a lot nicer than saying “I really just don’t find you attractive at all.” The sad thing is that people are willing to believe it because it’s easier to take than the truth is. Let’s just get one thing out of the way early.  Men and women can be friends without it needing to be more than that. “Friends” is the default title for two people who hang out with each other and get along. So you can’t get all butt-hurt and take it personally if someone doesn’t instantly decide that they want to be more than friends. Why would you even expect that?

Before I lay in on my tirade about what you’re doing wrong if you think you’re in the friend zone, I should admit that this point of view is not coming from somebody that has never been in that oh so terrible situation. I’m no stranger to the friend zone.  If the friend zone was real, then I’m pretty sure I served a term as president.  I can tell you it sucks. It can sneak up on you too. One day someone asks you what the deal is between you and that person and you realize that you do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend would do, except for the benefits. Welcome to Justfriendistan, population: you.

How did you end up in this friend zone? You were probably were doomed to it from the start. But we’ll come back to that. There is a good chance that you were just an idiot. Ok, that’s harsh. What I mean is you probably are thinking there is more there than there really is. If you spend a lot of time with someone and the two of you get along really well, it’s natural to want to be around them more often. If you find that person physically attractive, then it’s easy to start finding more things that you like about the person. You start overlooking the differences and focusing on the things you have in common and you can no longer think of reasons why you’re only friends. You start questioning why you aren’t more than that. Congratulations, you’ve fooled yourself. Idiot. Now, if you’re complaining that you’re in the friend zone, then obviously the other person hasn’t fooled themselves as well, or back to that reoccurring sad truth, they never were attracted to you to begin with.  

Now maybe you really do feel as deeply for this person as you think, and you’re not fooling yourself. That’s not impossible, but the fact remains that they don’t feel the same. It’s also not a certainty that they aren’t attracted to you. Maybe they are. Maybe you’ve even tried dating before. Whatever the case may be, you’re not together, so someone is clearly trying to push the other into the friend zone, and if it’s not you doing the pushing, then… You get the picture.

It’s time for advice, and since it seems like there are a lot of different circumstances I am going to try to address all the ones I can think of. For starters, if you’re one of those guys who commonly say (or think) “I’m so nice to her. Those guys she dates are all assholes. Why is it that the guys that get laid are the assholes? Nice guys always finish last” You’re a hypocrite. If you just want to get laid then guess what? You’re the same as that “asshole”; you’re just less direct and honest about it. You’re treating her like a slot machine that you can fill with kindness until you hit the sex jackpot.  That “asshole” probably may not have the most pure intentions, but he was likely up front with them, or maybe just took more initiative to make things happen than you did. 

Earlier I said that if you think you’re in the friend zone that you were probably doomed from the start. Listen carefully, because this is the best possible way to avoid the friend zone. If you are interested in someone DO NOT WAIT TO TELL THEM. It’s perfectly acceptable to be friends first, but spend that time as friends with knowledge that you’re interested in more when the timing is right. Think of it like actors being type-casted. The longer you spend as friend, the longer you’re being cast into that friend role, and then you’re audition for that boyfriend or girlfriend role isn’t going to go so well. Making your intentions clear early on forces them to consider you for the part all along the way.

I realize that a lot of people may already be in pretty deep. That sort of makes that last chunk of advice a tad bit late. If you’re stuck in that situation and just haven’t worked up the nerve to tell them how you feel yet, it’s time to dive in. You may think they don’t know how you feel, but you’re wrong. At the very least they suspect it. If you like the person, make it known. Don’t hint around it, just say it. That DOESN’T mean to unload a huge confession of your love on them and freak them out. What I mean is to casually tell them “Look, I like you, and I’m glad we get along so well, but I’m not interested in being only friends. I’d like to take you out on an actual date sometime. If that’s not where you’re seeing this going then maybe we should cut back on how much time we’re spending together so I can spend more time with someone who is interested.” No, you don’t have to quote that word for word, just giving you an idea.

Last but not least are those of you who have already admitted to your feelings and nothing changed, then you need to get out now. Right now. It’s over and you’re only tormenting yourself. You don’t have to make some grand announcement to them or to anyone else. You just simply stop calling them, stop hanging out with them, and start hanging out with other friends. Go on dates.  You can answer if they call or text you, but keep it short. Don’t be mean. Just let them know you’re busy. There is a chance they’ll get jealous, and if they do, don’t read into it. Don’t assume that means they suddenly want you. It only means they miss all the attention they’re used to having you showering them in.  Who knows, maybe they will realize what they missed out on and change their mind, but let’s be honest, that’s probably not going to happen unless you’ve made some sort of significant change. You don’t assume they really want you until they say it themselves. Until then, you just go on with your life and let them go on with theirs. Regardless to if you end up together down the line, become good friends again, or never speak again, the point is that you’re out of your crappy situation and no longer miserable. No more whining about the friend zone. It doesn’t exist.